31 Days, 31 Horror Movies: God Told Me To

God Told Me To (1976)
I think Larry Cohen is a genius. A hack genius, a genius with no patience and a willingness to let "good enough" get in the way of "truly great," but a genius nevertheless. He has fantastic ideas and the occasional gem of a shot or sequence, but they're often intermingled with nonsense or lackluster footage that merely gets the job done.

Not that I've seen every Larry Cohen film. It's Alive, Q, The Stuff, and A Return to Salem's Lot are it at the moment , though I've seen more films that he's scripted (like Phonebooth). So, yes, I'm basing the whole 'genius' label on cheap, exploitation-level genre fare, but I'm telling you - not a single one of those films are simple, straightforward horror flicks. There are always crazy ideas, social commentary, satire and - often enough - some great characters. He's like Robert Altman mixed with Roger Corman.

You know, if Altman used stop motion monsters to make social commentary.

Part of it is his willingness to pursue his ideas regardless of entertainment value. There's some startling imagery in God Told Me To - including closeups of a fake vagina - that probably cost him his original producers. It's part of the story, though, and that means it goes in - regardless of the blowback. Also, there's a bit of the 'we shot it, we use it' mentality of guerilla film-making going on. (Especially when it comes to the New York City footage in Q and God Told Me Too - most of which was shot without a permit.)

The Medium
Shudder again.

The Movie
A New York City street, crowds of people going about their daily business. Suddenly a man on a bicycle falls over, his head covered in blood. A second or two later the sound of a gunshot echoes among the skyscrapers. And then another one falls. And another. The gunshots continue in rapid, horrifying succession.

There are two things that heighten the awfulness of this scene. One is the recent attack in Las Vegas in which a gunman - shooting from a tall building - killed 58 people and wound hundreds of others. I hadn't expected it, though I had a rough idea what the movie was about, and it hit me harder as a result (despite the technicolor nature of the 'blood'). The second thing is that most of the people in those scenes had no idea what was going on. They're truly innocent bystanders, unaware that a movie was being shot. Their reactions are genuine and it gives the scene a realism you wouldn't otherwise be able to get.

It's also New York, so some people are just "what is she, drunk?"

I wonder of Cohen ever got sued for therapy bills afterward.

The perpetrator of this massacre is an unassuming young man with a rifle, willing to talk to the police detective - Peter Nicholas (Tony Lo Bianco) - who climbs the rickety metal ladder of the water tower the gunman is perched on. When asked why he's doing this horrible thing the man says, simply, "God told me to." And then he pitches over the side of the water tower.

That fall is also somehow terrifyingly realistic - it doesn't look like a dummy and the way it's shot and framed makes it look like there couldn't be a mat or net (and given Cohen's usual budgetary restrictions, I don't think he could have paid for such a stunt). You're horrified - even though you know this guy just killed a dozen people.

I'm getting dizzy just looking at this.

These two opening sequences are stellar and I found myself wondering why this movie didn't have more acclaim and interest. But of course this is a Larry Cohen movie, and while there are flashes of this level of quality in the rest of the film there are also lots of shaky hand-held footage where things aren't in focus, or the lighting is too low to see, or the effects are terrible. (There are sequences where Cohen re-uses effects from a popular 70's sci-fi TV show that are incredibly jarring for fans of that show.)

Detective Nicholas, a devout - if conflicted - Catholic, is disturbed by this senseless crime. His unease increases when this proves to be only the first of a series of crimes committed by seemingly ordinary people who all claim that God had told them to do it. An anonymous tip informs him that there will be another attack during the St.Patrick's Day parade and Nicholas races against time and bureaucratic intransigence to try and stop it. (Cohen actually managed to film a bunch of scenes in and around the actual parade decades before The Fugitive would do the same in Chicago - although without that film's permission!) He fails to prevent the shooting - committed by a young Andy Kaufmen, playing a policeman in his first film role - but manages to get his first lead. The shooter had spoken to a young man with long, blonde hair.

Andy looks just so excited to be there!

Here, the movie bogs down a bit, as it settles into a bit of a standard procedural format. Nicholas - whose religion prevents him from divorcing his wife, but not from living with another woman - runs from lead to lead, looking for the young man whose name is revealed to be Bernard Phillips. And who may just be God himself.

Although if God looks like Richard Lynch I'd probably question my faith.

Things are never that straightforward in a Cohen film, though, and the twists and revelations are interesting enough that I won't reveal more about the plot. They're of varying quality, as is standard in a Cohen film, but well worth experiencing without knowing them ahead of time.

"And I'll cut anyone who says different."

It's a frustrating film because of that mix of excellence and mediocrity. There's a fantastic, emotional scene between Nicholas and an elderly woman (played by Sylvia Sidney - who has been in a ton of things, but who I remembered primarily as Juno in Beetlejuice). It's followed by an overly melodramatic scene between Nicholas, his wife Martha (Sandy Dennis) and his lover Casey (Deborah Raffin). The latter scene is so flat I found it hard to believe there wasn't something wrong with the actor.

Maybe bad tuna at craft services that day.

The Bottom Line
In the end, God Told Me To (also released as Demon) is a film with ideas bigger than its budget (particularly in a climactic final sequence that fails to be as apocalyptic as it's intended to be). It's still a pretty amazing film, worth seeing for the things that do work and to appreciate the vision, as flawed as it is.

31 Days, 31 Horror Movies: The Giant Spider Invasion

The Giant Spider Invasion
The most unbelievable thing about The Giant Spider Invasion is that it's one of the fifty top grossing movies of 1975. All I can think is that the poster was pretty awesome and there was some serious nostalgia for the giant bug movies of the 1950's going on.

Watching this film killed any plans I had to have a Bill Rebane film festival, though. There are moments of hilarity and that giant spider is... well, it's something. I just don't think I can devote that much of my life to a series of films with this level of acting, cinematography, writing and effects. I have other things to do - like paint the trim on my house or rake pine needles.

And clear the spiders off the roof.

I will have to see his The Capture of Bigfoot at some point, as I have previously unspoken (even to myself, *sob*) desire to see all the Bigfoot-themed movies of the 1970's. This, despite the fact that Troma studio head Lloyd Kaufmen calls it one of the 5 worst films Troma ever distributed.

The Medium
Currently streaming on Shudder. It's an incredibly poor copy of the film, but I'm honestly not sure how a clearer picture would have improved things. (Holy crap you guys - there's a Blu-ray release of this movie. All I can do is wonder at the fact that there's a Blu-ray of this, but none of Alligator or It's Alive!) (In the US anyway.)

The Movie
The Giant Spider Invasion starts of like a ton of 50's sci-fi movies did, with a mysterious light in the sky and something that crashes on the property of a local farmer. This farmer, Kester, is the most reprehensible sonova bitch - stepping out on his wife and leering after his step-daughter. He's an entertaining asshole, though, I'll give him that much.

"Not the first body I've had to hide. Hey, wonder what's in his wallet..."

Meanwhile, NASA sends a scientist, Dr. Vance, to coordinate with local astronomer, Dr. Langer., in order to find whatever crashed. They're both played by veteran TV and film actors and their straightforward and earnest delivery of lines makes those lines even more ridiculous. (One of my favorites is probably unintentionally funny - after an extended sexist sequence where Vance keeps asking to see Langer's husband, brother or son, not expecting her to be the astronomer, she introduces him to her staff as "Mr. Vance." Sick burn, Doctor L.! You know he didn't get that Doctorate just to be called "Mr."!)

"That really hurt my feelings."
"You have feelings?"

Of course Kester and his wife, Ev - who obviously hate each other - have found the crash site. It's surrounded by geodes. Kester brings some back to the farm and manages to split one open. Unfortunately for everyone he doesn't see the spider that escapes from it. That's only the first and soon the farm and surrounds are infested with spiders (they're all live tarantulas at this point). In one horrifying sequence we see Ev mix up a drink using a blender containing a spider. It's nausea inducing.

"You brought a shovel to the kitchen table. This is why I drink."

Around these two storylines are some things with the sheriff (Gilligan's Island vet Alan Hale Jr. - forced by the script to utter "Hey little buddy!" in his first appearance) and a local reporter.

Finally Ev must deal with the spiders when a furry muppet attacks her from a dresser drawer. She does her best to sell this as a real spider, but... come on. This thing quickly grows in size and before you know it is almost as large as a house - threatening Ev's daughter (just like almost every male character in the film) and destroying the farm before moving off to be in a parade somewhere.

Later the Shriners will jump over it in miniature cars.

I'll give the film this - the giant spider is damn entertaining to watch. It's not scary or threatening in any way, but it is hilarious and they managed to get the legs moving in a semi-realistic fashion. The bits where it swallows people whole are a bit less believable.

Their expressions before it does so are pure gold, however.

The two scientists wander around for a bit and have a budding romance and eventually figure out that a black hole is causing some kind of interdimensional gateway (instead of, you know, simply sucking all matter into it and causing the destruction of the Earth). They manage to close it and all the extra-dimensional spiders turn to goo.

Wow. So, I'm not going to lie - I started to drift off during this movie, so I didn't pay as much attention as I should have. There are things I enjoyed - the level of cheese is so high that you can't help but get carried along in some spots. The dialogue is often unintentionally hilarious, the hate/hate relationship with Kester and Ev is also entertaining, and that giant spider thing is always fun to watch. The production quality is pretty terrible, however, as is the cinematography, music, acting, editing effects... And the subplot about guys lusting after Ev's daughter is creepier than anything going on with the spiders (except that blender sequence).

Least exploitative shot of Terry in the entire movie.

In some ways this reminded me of films by Don Dohler, like The Alien Factor and Nightbeast (which I watched for the very first 31 Days). The pure incompetence makes you root for the film and moves it - occasionally - into 'so bad it's good' territory.

The Bottom Line
Well, The Giant Spider Invasion is something I've seen now. At some point I'll have to watch the MST3K episode that features it. I have a feeling I'll enjoy it a lot more than the original. If you have to see a spider-themed movie from the 1970's I highly recommend the Shatneriffic Kingdom of the Spiders instead.

31 Days, 31 Horror Movies - Night of the Lepus/Day of the Animals

70's Creature Feature - Night of the Lepus, Day of the Animals

I'm bundling these two films together for my traditional 70's Creature Feature weekend. In the past I've watched films like Frogs, Piranha, Kingdom of the Spiders and Prophecy. I was originally thinking of watching Squirm as part of this, but the synergy of the two titles for Night of the Lepus and Day of the Animals won me over. (Only watching one per day this weekend, though - raking and bagging 20 bags of leaves ate into my movie time.)

I've actually seen DotA before - it was a staple of late 70's/early 80's late night TV. NotL is new to me, though it's been on my 'must watch' list for a while. Any movie that has giant rabbits as the antagonist has got to have something going for it, right? Right?

The Medium
I actually paid for Night of the Lepus (in more ways than one). I rented it on Amazon streaming and that's three bucks I'll never get back. Day of the Animals was recently released on Blu-ray, but I'm never going to pay $20 for a William Girdler film. I would have rented it on streaming, but it's not available there either. I ended up watching it on YouTube in a pan-and-scan version. As it approximates how I saw it on TV way back when, I didn't mind. I'm sure the picture quality is fantastic on Blu-ray, but if I want to watch dodgy bird attacks in high-def I'll watch The Birds.

The Movies

Night of the Lepus
Night of the Lepus is terrible, really. It's poorly shot, written, acted and edited. The special effects are, well, decidedly not special. Other than a few moments - distinguished primarily by a guy in a bunny suit - it's not even in 'so bad it's good' territory. I had a hard time not falling asleep during the film, and was primarily sustained by the occasional bunny attack and those aforementioned 'guy in a suit' moments.

Also, scenes of bunnies having a night out at a nice restaurant are fun.

The setup involves a rabbit being dosed with hormones to try and control overpopulation on a desert ranch. It gets released accidentally and soon - giant rabbits! They kill an old prospector - maybe he was dressed as a carrot - which leads to the rancher and some officials dynamiting their burrow. Of course they're rabbits, so they dig their way out and go on a slow motion rampage across indifferently constructed miniature sets before finally being massacred by guns and an electrified train track.

It's possible that this film could be fun with the right group of people. It's completely ridiculous, but played absolutely straight by the actors and director. The rabbits themselves are the most un-menacing group of lethargic bunnies you could think of and even when covered in blood or foaming at the mouth just look cute. Some of the interior sets are okay - and it's fun to see a herd of rabbits hopping in slow motion down the miniature streets of a small town - but in general not a lot of consistency has gone into the effects. Sometimes the rabbits are 'as big as wolves' and sometimes they're as big as elephants.

The terror!

The 'best' parts are those in which a rabbit attacks an individual, because it's obviously a guy in a bunny suit. It's not even hidden particularly well.

I say that the acting is bad, but it's not really atrocious - at least from the leads. They just seem tone-deaf to the kind of movie they're in. It's not a western, despite appearances. Rory Calhoun in particular seems a little lost dealing with giant bunnies. As for DeForest Kelley, you would think after the first few times he appears I'd stop thinking "Hey, it's Dr. McCoy from Star Trek!" You would be wrong.

"Okay, now look like you're all contemplating your career choices.... perfect!"

---

Day of the Animals
"God sent down a plague down on us because we're just a bunch of no-good fellas."

Day of the Animals is a lot better film. Not to say that it's a 'good' film in any traditional sense, but it's more fun and interesting than NotL - for particular values of 'fun' and 'interesting.'

DotA follows a group of back-country hikers as they head out to enjoy a week in the woods. Unfortunately for them, the ozone layer has been depleted to such a significant degree that ultraviolet radiation is turning the animals crazy. Within a couple of days some of them are dead and anyplace about five thousand feet is under assault be animals - bears, mountain lions, snakes, dogs and a whole lot of birds.

Actually, the birds seem to be in charge in this movie. Nominally the animals going crazy should result in a frenzy of animals attacking each other, but they all seem to know that it's Man that needs to be attacked. The birds always seem to be present and coordinating things.

The characters are extremely broadly drawn and thin. There's the out-of-place single mother and her son, the young couple, the older couple having marital troubles, the jackass ad-exec, a professor, a news woman, an ill ex-football player, and the obligatory Native American Who Senses Something Is Wrong. They're led by Steve Buckner (Christopher George), a man's-man who knows the back country well and runs these excursions for city folks who want to get away from it all. That's pretty much all you get, and all you need to know.

After the folks head up the mountain there's a scene in the local town diner where we get some exposition about the ozone layer. Things are pretty relaxed in this town. Relaxed enough that the sheriff and his deputies can indulge in a beer, some chili fries and a game of poker during the work day. Menacing music plays when the sheriff orders dessert. "Damn, the sheriff ordered pineapple pie - with ICE CREAM. Shit is getting real."

That night, a wolf attacks the camp. Even with the buildup, the wolf attack is startling and effective. Don't get used to it, though. The next day Buckner decides to send the woman who was attacked and her estranged husband up the mountain to a ranger station. While it's actually refreshing for there to be no "We should all head back." "Hell No! I paid good money for this trip!" scene, it still seems a little irresponsible. I mean, we're talking days of travel for an injured woman.

This movie should be called Leslie Nielsen - Super-Asshole. His character is pretty much a jackass all the time.

"Has it been five minutes yet? I want to know if I can say something sexist or racist again."

The husband and wife are attacked almost immediately. "MAN-DEEE!!!!" There's a pretty awesome bird attack, but the blue screen fall of the cliff, not so much.

I was just going to do screencaps of Leslie Nielsen, but I had to do at least one other. For balance.

Back down in the town the sheriff is awoken by a deputy telling him that the military is taking over and evacuating the town, as animals are attacking all over. The sheriff responds by getting a snack. "I'll get in to the office to deal with martial law - right after I have myself a piece o' this here chicken..." He's attacked by rats, but eventually makes it into town to help with the evacuation. Evacuation looks a lot more realistic than in Night of the Lepus.

Up on the mountain the group is attacked by mountain lions and separates into reasonable people and jackass followers. Those following Nielsen's character, Jensen, head up the mountain - further into the danger zone - to try and reach the same ranger station that the married couple tried earlier. Jensen, affected by the same radiation, makes the leap from 'asshole' to 'psychopath' really fast - murdering the young husband and trying to rape his wife. Then he decides he's gonna wrestle a bear. Things go well. For the bear.

Soon the bear will have him in a half-Nielsen!
I'm sorry. I'll get my coat.

Girdler tries to cover up how lame the animal attacks are with lots of noise and quick cuts, but it doesn't really help. And if the sun is what's causing the animals to go crazy, why do they almost always attack at night?

The estranged husband from the older couple somehow makes it down to town with a little girl he's rescued earlier. They're set upon by snakes and dogs. When the first truck they get into doesn't start he tries to get to his own car, which is jammed full of rattlesnakes. The lesson is, "Never try."

Get the Blu-ray and you could see those nipples in HD.

After that it's all dog attacks down the line, as if they'd run out of money for the other animal trainers. There are a lot of German Shepherds. And dog punching. I've never seen so much dog punching in my life.

And then it's over, just like that. All the affected animals die. The sun returns to normal. It's a bit anti-climactic, but still better than the ending of Night of the Lepus.

The Bottom Line
Night of the Lepus was excruciating to watch, but I kind of enjoyed Day of the Animals. I'm not sure if it's the gleeful level of cheese or if it was just so much better in comparison to NotL.  If you can only watch one, make sure it's Leslie Nielsen, Super Asshole - you'll  be happier for it.